The House Energy and Commerce Committee's oversight and investigations subcommittee is planning to publicly castrate BP's CEO Tony Hayward.
And the Understatement of the Year award goes to Rep. John Dingell, a Michigan Democrat and former committee chairman. "He's going to have, if I'm any judge of the committee and the temperament of the members, a very unpleasant afternoon".
Here is Mr. Hayward pointing out the exact location where his balls will soon be afloat:
The backup plan is to create a live website called
http://www.slingnut.com/. Mr Hayward would be strapped to a chair with his testicles in a sling, much like a stomach ring which can be compressed remotely. People will be able to login to the site, view him by webcam, and for a small donation (say $1 billion dollars) will be able to compress the "slingnut" until Mr. Hayward passes out or throws up, whichever comes first. How else will BP afford the $20B pledge? Not likely.
The committee is also poised to force BP to change it's branding and slogans. After multiple failed attempts, it's quite clear BP is grasping at straws. In a recent interview, one of BP's executives let slip that Tiger Woods was consulted. Apparently Mr. Woods did not have a large enough condom to stop the flow of oil, however, he noted that he did have plenty.
All of this was preceeded by Mr. Hayward's outrageous comments:
"It's a big ocean" (so is Obama's foot which will soon be in your ass)
"The oil is on the surface, there aren't any plumes" (have you seen the video?)
"I'd like my life back" (have you seen the coast or the people on it?)
"I'm personally devastated" (not even close - let's see some of that $6M salary jackass)
"We had too many people that were working to save the world". (yeah, and none were on YOUR payroll)
Let's hope Mr. Hayward gets what he has coming. The remaining BP execs will each be traveling to Peru for what they think is for holiday. The men will be forced to wear womens clothing and a wig. All execs will share a jail cell with Mr. Van der Sloot for 3 months or until all have disappeared. They will be required to serve tea and crumpets while pretending to be on the beach or in a hotel room. Good luck. Here comes the Karma train, next stop, your ass.
The backup plan is to create a live website called http://www.slingnut.com/. Mr Hayward would be strapped to a chair with his testicles in a sling, much like a stomach ring which can be compressed remotely. People will be able to login to the site, view him by webcam, and for a small donation (say $1 billion dollars) will be able to compress the "slingnut" until Mr. Hayward passes out or throws up, whichever comes first. How else will BP afford the $20B pledge? Not likely.
The committee is also poised to force BP to change it's branding and slogans. After multiple failed attempts, it's quite clear BP is grasping at straws. In a recent interview, one of BP's executives let slip that Tiger Woods was consulted. Apparently Mr. Woods did not have a large enough condom to stop the flow of oil, however, he noted that he did have plenty. 
(London): March 09 2010
